So, summer is fast approaching and I feel like I need stuff to do. Life is bringing me down right now. I don’t want to be a complainer but seriously…..i don’t know. I forget that life is life. I always feel like I’m stuck in the rut of school, homework, unhappiness, and nothing exciting happening, and im just going to go to school forever and never learn the things I want to learn, and I’ll just live in this uncertain state until my eyes start to sag and my soul gets all wispy, and Ill never do exciting things and life will be mediocre . and then I remember that LIFE IS LIFE MAN! And I get all inspired, in reality I could go do whatever i wanted to right now. I could run away and live somewhere and I could get a job doing something interesting, and I could go on advventures, and sneak into college classes and make pottery or whatever I dont know but i could DO stuff if I wanted to. But then in my head there are all these restrictions….its the power of the rut. I’ve been doing the same thing with the same people for my whole life it seems and its like i’ve walked the same path so many times that there is a literal rut carved into the ground like how the colorodo river made the grand canyon and right now I am at the bottom of the grand canyon and I have no idea how to get the freak out of it. Well I have inklings of ideas, but do i have the courage? I look up at those walls and hope just kind of withers within me. Yup, thats where life is at right now.
this was originally supposed to be published sometime at the beginning of April but then I didn’t know if I should or not, but reading it now, its so true and yea so im publishing it.
I should be used to life by now, really looking back its always been the same. Just when things look like they’re going great, getting awesomer, and better, and life is happy! Boom, the shit descends. It actually never seems to fail. Really, whenever my life seems to start going pretty well some major shit happens. Last time with the screwed up situation at my dad’s things seemed to be getting better, yay i had semi normal relationships with my stepmom and dad and step bro (as normal as they can be when you see someone once a month) and then …dun dun dun: the screwed up-ness got 1,000 times worse. I mean hey, as long as things are effed up, lets just be completely and utterly honest about the absolute horror, don’t hold anything back! Seriously, I kind of think its better that way, at least then everything can be awkward and stupid and messed up without anyone having to pretend to keep up pretenses. I mean, whew at least that pressure’s off your back!
Oh and hey, thanks life. Just when I thought I was becoming a normal teenager and was doing normal teenager stuff with my normal teenager friends, tada! Noooooo, all the friendships have to go and become dramaaaaaaaaaaatic. Oh yay, don’t we all just LOVE the drama! Everybody has lots and lots of drama! I can’t just have non-weird relationships can I? No really, as I’m writing this I think thats the main theme of my life so far: every single person I will ever have any form of relationship with, things will always be tense and awkward on some level. Seriously…I’m thinking of all of the people I see and talk to…..and there’s always something lurking, skulking around down there in the deep recesses. Fun. I’m just lovin that shit right there.
Can nothing be happy for even a month? just one month. please life, God, I’m asking you. I feel like I have so much crap to deal with and its just never going to be resolved, just sitting there on my shoulders slowly ulcerizing my stomach and compressing my being until I am completely flat and hopeless and then I die. yay.
why don’t i just say what i feel and tell people when they piss me off? why is there so much pain and brokenness in everything? Why am I so freaking awkward? Why do i internalize everything? Well, I mean I know why but I just wish I could stop, but I can’t change myself overnight. And I’ll never be perfect, and I tell myself that its okay nothing will ever be perfect no one is perfect but its still there inside of me..that little thing/feeling/i don’t know that just wants things to be good and great all the time. But really why shouldn’t they? I guess then there would be no struggle, it would be boring. I just don’t understand why the struggle has to suck so much. And why can’t anything ever be clear? I feel like everything is so relative and I never know what to do.
I feel like I’m living life at warp speed and everything is messed up, and right now I’m too tired and beaten down to attempt to fix it. I don’t feel like fighting it right now. right now I just want a cup of tea and blankets and music and a book to get lost in, but I’m not going to do that because I have a trigonometry test tomorrow and I refuse to take that exam at the end of the year, which means I need to get an A on this test.
You know what life, you think you can beat me down, but guess what, I’m a tenacious, stubborn little motherfucker. I will never give up, even when everything is 1,000 times worse than it is right now, even if I’m homeless with no legs I will keep on fighting, i will NEVER give up so suck that!
Jealousy. I think i’ve been getting a little case of it lately. Well, its there, but whether it’s justified or not is a completely different story. But i feel like someone’s been trying to…i don’t know the right way to describe it, i guess just usurp one of my friendships. I don’t know, its a complicated situation and I’m not really jealous I’m more like pissed off and irked and feeling a little excluded. It seems like someone is trying to take my place in a friendship and push me out of that place. Yeah…thats more like it. It just irks me and I’m not sure what to do, because I don’t want to be a cynical drama bitch, but I have my stupid emotions coloring my perception of reality. I can’t just look at the facts and make a decision I always have my feelings butting in and I don’t know whether awkward or off things are actually happening or I’m just feeling awkward and insecure and projecting that onto situations. So in the end I never truly trust my perception of reality, but its dumb because I think I actually am usually right in my perceptions of things and situations. I just don’t want to be a cynical person, I want to give others the benefit of the doubt but at the same time I’m still suspicious and a little pissed off. I also think I need to trust the strength of my friendship and at the same time also show some more tlc to that relationship.
I know that most people with insomnia probably hate it and just wish they could fall the freak asleep. But as a non-insomniac, I would just like to tell those insomniacs that sometimes I envy them. I envy you! I mean, every cloud has a silver lining, amiright? and by the same token every silver lining has a cloud (being a non insomniac isn’t always so great…falling asleep at midnight premieres anyone?)
Think about it, you have hours at night to just be a little owl and do things. If I was an insomniac I could knit a sweater or make plans to build a treehouse village or I would go on nighttime adventures around my town or stargaze, or soul gaze (yeah, thats right, this poo is gettin DEEP) or make a princess the cat costume or teach myself the secret ways of the ambidextrous…pretty much all the things I want to do during the day but I dont…because I procrastinate. But that’s besides the point.
Alls I’m sayin’ is that, while sleep is great and all, the nighttime is also a time of great mystery and awesomeness and adventure that all the the people who aren’t insomniac’s miss out on. You guys are like in a secret club or something….the aweso’ inso’s (okay as a non insomniac, i’m falling asleep right now, I can’t think of a good club name) But regardless of my inability to make club names, I’m still jealous of insomniacs.
(for your viewing pleasure, I have included a lovely picture I created of me having adventures on a mysterious night with an owl and justin timberlake)
(i posted this to my tumblr. a few weeks ago but im reposting it here, also not to be discouraging but I am not really living up to this spurt of motivation in the days since I wrote it, but whatever its still true it just takes time I guess)
I want to live with all of myself, every fibre of my body and soul. I want to live like an awesome workout, one where you put your very best effort in and you come back exhausted and sore but extremely satisfied and happy because you just brought the freakin’ bacon and didn’t hold back and you just let your awesomeness explode.
But okay, honestly, most of the time I don’t put my whole self into living, its true. I get discouraged, I feel like its too much, too painful, it is a risk, I let fear get the better of me, I let myself forget how awesome it is to really live (maybe we all do sometimes). But that is why I am writing this, because i am fed up with being tepid, it just feels so gross. Like, ew!!!!! Not being true to yourself feels so uncomfortable. I don’t want to be a fake for the rest of my life, I don’t want to be some half living zombie! I want to exercise my life-muscles (and my actual muscles too, even though I don’t, maybe this post is my muscles telling me they want to be loved). And so, although it is scary and uncomfortable and makes me break out of my paradoxical comfort zone of fearful zombie-ness, I am going to live with all of myself. Scary things that I want to do but I’m afraid to do because, you know, it will cause ripples and upset people, and its uncomfortable: be warned, I’m comin’ for YOUUUUUUU!
I have drawn a picture to illustrate the actual events which shall occur.
Wise kitty! I want to know you!
This cat is so awesome. I can sense its awesomeness through the computer. Just take a minute to look at this cat. I mean seriously, this cat is not an average cat, this is an adventure cat, this is a sidekick cat, this is a cat you go hiking through leaves in the woods on a cloudy day with, or on a cross country road trip with, this cat has personality, this cat knows stuff.
I just feel as though if I were a cat, I would want to be this one. Which speaking of which, I really want a cat. I would have little conversations with my cat and we would live in an apartment with a tiny kitchen and I would eat food and my kitty would eat cat food and I would have friends but my cat would always secretly be my favorite. …..one day, one day….
btw :the cat in this picture is Neil Gaiman’s cat named Princess, its in the caption, but in case you didn’t see that.
also this picture is via Neil Gaiman’s blog on goodreads.com If ya wanna check it out
Me: its christmas in July.
U: What? Really? Don’t gimme this “Christmas in July” crap..i want some corndogs okay, THAT is christmas in July…nothing even happens today! at least not worldwide synchronized like christmas…gimme a break.
Me: Someone’s bitter
U: Just roll it, get to the questions
Me: What is the meaning of “ego”
U: Nothing, no-thing, ur mom, my hair is slick today! Don’t insult me or i will be emotionally crushed and i may take it out in strange ways.
Me: Very informative, i shall ponder this response in the deep recesses of my subconscious…Okay: how do i know im not talking to myself?
U: clearly you are
Me: Should i pray to you?
U: i accept visa, mastercard, and am-ex! (du-dun-dun-chhh)
LU LU LU LUUUUUUUUU i dont even know.what the point of this is.i dont even agree with what im saying here! uhhh i just want sleeeep
Starting a blog is something that i have been thinking about for a while. I’ll admit i’m kind of scared right now, but I’m excited too. I don’t know where this blog will take me, but i hope it will be an inspiration and that I can open up and reveal myself here. I want people who come here to relate to me and maybe my experiences can help other people in some way!
I’m going to write a list of stuff so that people reading this can get to know me a little since this is the first post and all…introduce myself and whatnot:
- i love to read…anything, anywhere, anytime. I have always loved to read, reading is my life, i live inside of books, i should probably live more in real life. I recently had a $16 fine on my library card.
- Favorite time of the day = sunset
- i love flowers, most of all sunflowers. They are so majestic and tall and bright and they feed birds!
- i am shy. it is one of the things i hate most about myself (although im trying to just accept my personality and where i am and who i am right now..its not working too well)
- I’m smart but not the common sense kind…just the book/random fact kind
- i want dreadlocks
- i want to live in a house in the side of a hill in the pacific northwest
- I am making a gandalf costume to go see The Hobbit in in december…I am not going to the premiere at midnight, I am going to wear my suhweet gandalf costume to a matinee and i will have my gandalf stick-staff thing and i will talk in a gandalfian accent, and i will pretend to be magical, and i may or may not go alone. If I am accompanied, my accompanier must be costumed.
- I’m worried that no one will ever love me…like romantically
i really hope that someday somebody ,besides me ,will read this
there…that is enough